A bit off

So since school has ended I have written all of one post. As if you guys did not know this. The proof is in the blog, or should that be on the blog. Whichever. But I have not been keeping up. Blogging was a fun hobby it was something I kept up with. I have a short attention span and I remember when Cas was born all I wanted to do was scrapbook. Three pages later I was done. I didn't find my pages creative enough and I just gave up. I always said as a Mother I don't want to give up but I did and then as Cas got older she saw the scrapbooks and she got into it and now she has been slowly getting into scrap booking.

Then came flylady. I swore I would get my house in shape because a Mother and wife should know how to cook clean and look pretty all at the same time. I should make a perfect meal and then when the kids and dogs and whatever other animals come running through and it spills, my floor will be so clean we could eat off of it. But who would do that I am a good Mom so I would just clean it and whip up another batch of said meal. Did I mention all while being pretty. You know the dress and the beautiful apron over it so I don't get messy from my daily tasks. Oh and the shoes the perfect gorgeous heels I would wear while doing it all. But flylady told me no woman stop that perfect thinking (which is what stopped me from scrap booking because it just wasn't "perfect"). DO things 15 minutes at a time and over time your home will be wonderful because you can do anything in 15 minutes. So that is what I did and I got my home in order but my perfectionism held me back. I didn't clean daily because I wanted it perfect so I got things perfect and I have to relax and step back so I stopped cleaning because I couldn't keep it perfect. Ugh the same darn rut.

Then I started blogging many many many years later. I have fun blogging but I got sad again. (Did I mention I battle depressions and it seems to be winning) But anyway I started blogging and I loved it and I found friends and I went and read their blogs and then I found more and more blogs and blogging took over my life. I was constantly online blogging and that is what all the good bloggers do but you know what. I didn't have followers and I got sad and eventually I stopped blogging because I was not perfect and great like my fellow bloggers that I love.

I recently set back to finish cosmetology school and I started and finished and guess what I got discouraged. I decided to stay home for the summer since we could not afford camp for the kids and I decided that it would be a good idea to take a break but guess what. I am letting perfectionism get in the way again. I am scared to go back to work and I am scared I wont find the right job and what if I find the right job and then I don't do well. My nerves are getting the best of me. I then realized....

I am off my meds since I stopped school. The kids and I were thrown back into staying home with nobody having school and all day long fighting and whining and Mommy this and Mommy that and all the other issues of daily life. It is hard to transition from stay at home Mom to part time working Mom to full time going to school Mom back to full time stay at home Mom. Let me tell you I don't know which transition is harder. I thought going back to work was harder but I am starting to realize being home 24/ 7 is much harder. No I don't have to go to work come home do the laundry cook dinner and clean but instead I have to stay home all day cleaning and since we are all home I have to clean that much more because nobody is gone all day while the house sits pretty. No instead we are all here and we are all messing it up and we are all trying to co-exist in this two bedroom apartment all day. Oh yeah ad the weather hasn't been much help.

Now on top of all this DH and decided we wanted a third baby child I want to say baby but they don't stay small forever. Needless to say we are still trying and no such luck. As each month passes it get's harder and harder and everyone says don't try just let it go. Yeah OK so much easier said then done. I am trying though.

SO the point of this post was how I am off and then I realized why I am off. I am off because I am trying to be perfect again. I need to remember nobody is perfect. I will clean and I will cook and while I do it I will stay in my PJ's because unlike the perfect housewife I wanted to be I also want to be comfortable and I want my children to be comfortable and oh yeah let's not forget I also want to stay caught up on the laundry so the more days we only wear PJ's the less outfit's I have to wash. As the day is chilled and grey from clouds I am just going to stay home do laundry and hang with the kids. I will cook a simple pasta dinner as we need to eat but it does not need to be a 5 course meal. Maybe I will make it a three course. Salad pasta then dessert. See there we go a meal that is fit for a family of three.